So maybe I've gone completely mad.
I'm sat here with everything I've ever wanted with my life but I literally cannot - and I mean CANNOT - sleep, like whatsoever.
It also seems that my first blog post in, hmmmm, forever, is going to be pretty much a huge vent.
I'm pretty sure venting was the reason I created this thing in the first place. I never really intended for anyone to read it. And if I'm honest, I'm sort of hoping no one does. This is all for me.
So, this time last year I was kind of skinny. Well...really really skinny. And I've put on weight this year. I'm guessing that there's less stress now than before, and I've got over the starvation as a means of self-harm (I didn't even realise I did that until I stopped?) So naturally my thighs have got a bit bigger, so have my boobs. But I keep looking back on photos of myself and missing the way I looked back then.
It's dumb, I know. I played jump rope with the 18.9 and the 19.1 on the BMI scale. But damn, I looked good in shorts.
Don't get me wrong, the relationship I currently have with food is great. I love it. I love cooking it, and I eat all of it. I never used to do that.
And thank God I have boobs. Looking at those photos, I just didn't have any at all. And my collarbone looks less sharp. That's pretty nice as well.
Another thing that's been bugging me is my guitar.
It's been sat in the cupboard since we moved here. And I don't think it will ever come out.
I had an accident just after we moved, and I severed 3 tendons in my fingers on my left hand. GREAT, because I'm right handed. Not so great, because that was my fretting hand.
I had an emergency operation to fix it, put under general anaesthetic. Missed my first module at university. Alex had to stop going to college to look after me as I kept getting frustrated. My whole arm was out of use for months.
And then, when I was told it was all great, turns out I have something called tendon adhesion and I can't move my middle finger properly. And it constantly hurts. They'll have to operate again, but I want some time first.
So if this doesn't get better, I might never use that guitar again. All because I cut my finger. Which just sounds like a joke. Which is what I thought it was when they told me I needed an operation. A big fat joke.
So I'm lying here, next to my sleeping husband who has no idea that I haven't been sleeping. I don't think he'd wake up if I threw some sort of party in here. He probably wouldn't even if the building collapsed.
I get my new laptop from the university people on Tuesday, so I don't have to type anymore. Because of my fucked hand, as well as dislocating wrists. Not sure how I'd feel saying this stuff out loud. I'll probably still type it.
But it's exciting, I'm getting my first ever brand new boxed laptop. And it's a modern one and a really good one. And lightweight. Can you tell I'm excited??
I'm going to try and sleep now, more because my headphones are running out than anything.